I feel a sense of relief...

...and perhaps, even a sense that it is time to look forward although, maybe not yet to move on. Last Monday, at 8.30am, while I was sitting on the piano ready to play that morning's worship music - it was announced that one of our dear colleagues and a close friend of mine, Suzanne had passed away. There was a collective gasp heard throughout the chapel and the rest of that morning is a blur. The irony is, she is usually the one to play the piano every Monday morning - always gathering people for choir and energizing us to be there. She was supposed to be on holiday which is why she suggested my name even though she knew I wasn't too keen on playing!

I managed to get through the first song, I think it hadn't hit me yet and then, just hearing the sobs of my colleagues kinda clicked and on top of that, the second song was one of her favourites - then I lost it. I cried and cried while people continued singing the song accapella. It was surreal. It still is...

Anyway, on Wednesday, i left for NYC and Anama picked me up at the airport. I dont think she realized how close I was to breaking down in tears when I saw her. To see a close and familiar loved one's face - someone who has known me since I was three years old - was the comfort that I needed. Having her and another dear friend Lani's company surround me and to know that they loved me helped me deal with the grief I was feeling.

Now, I've dealt with death my whole life. Growing up, death is a part of Samoan society which you're exposed to from an early age. I remember in Samoa, I was 5 years old and sitting next to my grand-aunt's coffin and holding her cold hand. I thought she looked strange sleeping there and looking all grey and I was just hoping she would wake up and spoil me like she always did, with candies and chocolate.

More recently, my father's death has been THE biggest influence in my life. It taught me so many things. I wonder if I would've been this strong, this open, this thankful, this optimistic and this loving if my Dad hadn't died. I wonder, but I don't take it for granted! It is one of those things you don't fully understand. And no matter how many deaths you see and you know it is inevitable... It still hurts like a bitch. It still brings you down. It changes you.

But....

And this is where the silver lining comes in. That's life too. Deal with it. Feel the pain. The grief. The hurt. And then move on. For there is life to be lived still and they've done their part - keep doing yours!

After having gone through some of Suzanne's stuff and taking some things, I'm ready to look forward. I still hear her laugh, her greeting everyone in their mothertongue, her music playing through chapel, her lil quirks and jokes. I remember the talks we had, how we bonded and I could just walk into her office and vent or laugh at a silly forward she got. It hurts to remember all that, but soon, it'll pass and it'll be okay... just soon. For now, I'm just grateful that I know this!

Gosh, I don't really know where I'm going with this post but I just wanted to put it out there... and to sum up how I generally feel right now, here is something I read on a colleague's blog:


Keep on living, always live life, more and more, above all don’t worry and never loose your laughter. -Christian Bobin